Bipolar Disorder · Children · Marriage · mental health

Why I Am Not Having Anymore Kids

I LOVE babies. I love kids. My children are my greatest accomplishments. I loved being pregnant with them. Every minute of it. My kids are a product of the love my ex-husband and I had for each other. I still admire their dad. He is a wonderful father and a good man. I cherished my babies growing up and I love being their mom. When I envisioned having children, I only wanted 1. I wanted one little baby to spoil rotten his/her entire life. When I had my oldest, that is how it was. I loved spoiling her rotten. My husband wanted more kids, but I wasn’t sold yet. Then I was late and I thought I had another on the way. I got so excited! Then my period came and I was crushed. Now, I wanted another. We got pregnant a month later. That was 14 years ago. Now my girls are 17 and 13, and I am remarried. I would love to have a baby with my husband. I’m still young enough, I am only 38. A lot of women have babies later in life. But a lot of women don’t have bipolar disorder and anxiety. The medication I am taking alone could cause birth defects and even miscarriage. My psychiatrist didn’t want me on hormonal birth control so after I was diagnosed in 2006 I had a copper IUD implanted. This worked really well. My ex-husband and I were divorced in 2009, I was 31. When I turned 35, I decided to have a tubal ligation. I didn’t have any prospects for marriage, my kids were 14 and 10, in addition to birth defects my medication could cause the baby, the thought of not being medicated for 9 months really scared me and my age added more complications. My insurance would pay 100%, so I did it. I met my husband 8 months later. He doesn’t have any children. He did want them and I felt guilty that I couldn’t give him any. I would absolutely love to have my husband’s baby. We would have the cutest kids. I could have my tubal ligation reversed. People tell me this all the time. I know they mean well. My husband doesn’t want to risk it. My daughter is graduating high school next year. The other one will graduate 4 years later. I will be 43. If I had another baby, I would be 57 before they graduated high school. I want to spend time with my husband. I want to travel. Plus, I would also be off my medication that keep me stable for 9 months, longer if I breast feed. I haven’t been off my medication in 10 years and it scares me to find out what will happen if I do. No, I’ve had my babies. I’m looking forward to grandchildren in the future. In the mean time, my husband’s twin brother just had the most beautiful baby girl. I can’t wait to spoil her rotten and watch her grow! I will get the best of both worlds. I get to hold her, play with her, spoil her and then I get to come home and be with my husband and not have to worry about a babysitter. I am going to be one of the best Aunts that little girl has, and when my girls are ready, the best Grandma!

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4 thoughts on “Why I Am Not Having Anymore Kids

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    Liked by 1 person

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