Bipolar Disorder · Depression · relationships

All Good Things Must Come to an End

I haven’t suffered a depressive episode in 2 years and 4 months. I was actually thinking maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed for the past 10 years since I have felt so normal lately. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had bad days. But nothing like the life sucking tiredness and helplessness of depression. My husband, who has never see me depressed said that it was a wake up call for him. See, I’ve tried to prepare him. I’ve bought books, he’s read my blog, and he’s read the articles I’ve shared. But unless you’ve lived through it, nothing really prepares you. Luckily, this one only lasted around 3 days. As pretty much all episodes start, I became extremely irritable. Pretty much anything he did was wrong and I yelled at him for it. I didn’t want to do anything, even the things I love. I literally forced myself one day to have brunch with a friend and I didn’t enjoy it. I even tried to get out of it, but when that attempt failed I sucked it up and went. I dropped hints to my husband that I wasn’t feeling up to par. I texted him that I didn’t want to go to his pool league that night just because I didn’t want to. I told him I just wanted to sleep all day and I didn’t want to go out to lunch. He didn’t get the hints. He just kept asking questions and irritating me more. Like a lot of people, when I’m depressed, I never come out and tell someone “Hey, I’m depressed today.” I don’t know why, I just don’t like to talk about it. My code phrase is “I don’t feel good.” My husband knew this but still didn’t catch on until I had to just come out and tell him. I realize now that it sounds ridiculous that I can’t just tell him how I feel, but in the moment I don’t think my thinking is unreasonable. I expected him to read my mind and make things better. I had such high expectations for my husband. I thought I had found the one who was going to be the ultimate caretaker. But in my mind following the episode he failed me. He didn’t really know what to do except try to make me feel better by bringing me flowers and taking me to see my Royals World Series trophy. These are really great things to do that no one has done for me when I was ill before, but in the end days of my episode it wasn’t enough. I had expected him to jump in with the house work and make sure my house was clean so I wouldn’t have to do it when I was well. I expected him to read my mind and do what I wanted because I don’t express it when I’m sick. Then when he didn’t do these things, I got mad. I know my husband loves me and wants to take care of me. I know he wants me to be happy and would do anything to make it happen. With time and more episodes, unfortunately, I know he will meet my high expectations. I know this now that I am completely out of the episode and can have rational thoughts again. It took a few days but everything seems to be back on track now, until the next time.

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