mental health · parenting · relationships

Will I Be Ready To Let Go?

I hate my brain sometimes. Especially at night when everyone is asleep and I’m awake lying in bed looking at my social media. I am loving life right now. I have a new husband and my kids are almost grown. I’m ready to start the next journey in my life. The journey where my children don’t consume my every moment. My ex husband started earlier than me. He and his wife moved to California 8 months ago. It’s been a struggle for him. I’ve seen his texts to them, seen his puffy eyed pictures and heard the break in his voice on the phone. He is and has always been an emotionally strong person. I, on the other hand, am not. I look at my friends Facebook pictures of them with their children just starting out and I smile, get a little teary eyed, and remember those days. The days when my girls were little. Emilie wouldn’t leave my side. Now if she is around her friends she doesn’t leave theirs. Marian is preparing for college. My first born only has 14 months before she graduated high school. My biggest fear is that she’ll do what I did. I went to college 3 hours away. I came home for one summer. Started dating my ex husband and was married the next. I never went back. I’ve been gone almost 20 years. Of course I visited but it is not the same. As I lay here at night I can still remember what their little hands looked like. Marian’s look like mine now. Their laughter fills my head. The tears roll down my face as I remember. I don’t want anymore children. Brian and I decided before we were married that it wasn’t in the cards for us. We are going to be an uncle and aunt soon. His twin brother is having a baby girl in April. I can’t wait to spoil her and then send her home. I can’t wait to travel and do all the things you can’t do when you have kids. But there will be a void. How do you fill the void of not seeing your kids everyday or even every week? Knowing that they won’t walk through your door everyday at the same time. Who will I tuck into bed every night (I still tuck my 12 year old in.) I know I will be able to eventually fill the hole in my heart. They will visit and maybe someday have children. I hate that we can’t go back. I can’t hold their tiny bodies in my arms one more time. I’m so glad God gives us memories. I will cherish them forever. I just hope when the time comes that I can let them go.

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