Bipolar Disorder · Depression · mental health

Never Fear.

This is a constant reminder for me. I don’t listen very well, though. I have anxiety, it’s what I do. I worry. I was tired for 3-4 days and yesterday was the worst. I just assumed the worst. I assumed that because I was tired and achy and didn’t feel like doing anything yesterday that I was going to wake up in a depressive episode today. Turns out, I am a normal human being who has good days and bad days. Yesterday, was just a bad day. I had dinner last night because I was actually hungry, not because I had to eat. After dinner, I ate a few cookies and I actually began to feel better. I don’t know if it was my dinner or the sugar in the cookies, but I felt better. I was still tired so I actually went to bed on time for once. I try really hard to keep a bedtime schedule, but sometimes due to kids homework or I am just not tired, I get to bed an hour or so later than intended. I slept like a rock. I woke up at 4:30 (this is normal, my husband leaves for work at this time. Only this morning he didn’t work until 6:00.) I went back to sleep until he left at 5:30 and I stayed awake. I felt good. I felt rested. It’s hard for me to know when I am just a normal person or when I am having an episode. I question every mood change. Everyone has mood changes. Regular people can feel down and they can feel elated and everything in between. I probably didn’t have quality sleep the past few days because I have been drinking alcohol later than I should be. I try not to have anything past 8:00 pm so it doesn’t effect my sleep, but I didn’t do that a few nights and I probably had more than I should have the night before last.  Alcohol may help put you to sleep but it really messes with your quality of sleep. Having a couple nights of bad sleep will definitely make you tired and sluggish. In my experience, sleep is the key to keeping this illness in check. Not enough sleep can push you into a hypomanic episode and too much sleep can go the other way into a depressive episode. I am just relieved to be normal. Even though I know what is needed to be done to keep my mood changes in check, I also know that no matter how hard I try, mood changes can show their ugly faces whenever they want. The fear is always there. I may hide it away, but it always comes back like yesterday and I fear depression the most.

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