Bipolar Disorder · Depression · mental health

I Fear Depression Is Coming….

I’m tired. I’ve been tired for days. I feel like I can’t wake up in the morning. I felt good after I got moving in the morning before today. I did my chores and had fun with my family. Today is different. Today is the day I found out why I’ve been so tired the past week. I thought maybe it was my medicine. I never thought I might be depressed. I never get depressed at Christmas. But here I am tired, irritable, and feeling like I don’t want to do anything but zone out on the couch. I’m not in the dark yet. This is just the beginning. I got up at 10:30 this morning and haven’t been back to bed yet. I got dressed but didn’t do any chores. I stayed on the couch all day binge watching Scandal and surfing the internet. I’m still hoping I can shake it. But my appetite changed as well. I’ve only had an apple, a nutrigrain bar and a protein bar today. I’ll probably eat a little dinner just because I should. Everything is getting on my nerves. My beloved Copper is snoring right now and I want to throw a pillow at him. I was supposed to go to vigil mass tonight for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. It’s a Holy day of obligation, but I just can’t bring myself to get out of my sweats to go. I hope I feel well enough to go tomorrow. I’m a little worried about my husband. He has never seen me depressed. I haven’t been depressed in 2 1/2 years. Before we even got together. He is in for a big surprise if this plays out how I am assuming it will. Luckily, he is off on Thursday and Friday. Maybe he can pull me out of it. He has his work cut out for him. I keep telling myself, maybe I am wrong. Maybe it isn’t coming, but my body aches. My eyes hurt because I am tired. I feel like I have been up for days but I had 9 hours of sleep last night. Everything is getting on my last nerve. Tomorrow I should know. I’m on a teeter totter today just in the middle. I’m not up and I’m not down, but tomorrow I will know. Hopefully I’ll go up. Wake up, have a good day. But Copper just jumped up next to me on the couch and stared at me right in the eyes. He snuggled up next to me as I petted him. How does he always seem to know when I need him. I hope he’s wrong and he just wants to snuggle. But I will know tomorrow. As my favorite actress, Vivian Leigh says in Gone with the Wind, “After all, tomorrow is another day.”

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