Marriage · mental health

A Letter to My Husband’s Ex-Wife: I Have A Question or 3

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years and in that time I just can’t shake this question I have for his ex-wife. Why? Why did you take an innocent soul and in a matter of 5 years, destroy him?

To the former Mrs. Cain*,

You don’t know me and I don’t know you. Oh I’m sure you’ve heard about me as I have you although, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard nicer things about me than I have you. I am sure you aren’t all that bad. Obviously you were doing something right because Brian fell in love with you and married you. There are just inconsistencies that I don’t understand. And Brian, he has seriously repressed all good memories he ever had of you.  It’s really sad when you think about it. I obviously didn’t marry my first love and it was a tumultuous relationship, but now that it’s been gone for 20 years I can look back fondly on the fun we had. I was married for 10 years and had 2 gorgeous children with my ex husband. Our relationship just plain sucked, but we had some really great times as a couple and as a family.  So my question to you is why? Why did you marry him? He was so innocent. Now, when I say he was innocent, I mean like a child. You were his first encounter with love. You were his first encounter with sex. He saved himself for you. Was that too much for you to handle? I know how you two got together and quite honestly shame on both of you. But okay, what is done is done.  Brian felt horrible for it, so bad he confessed it to our priest to get forgiveness. You two seemed to have a bright future. And then, what? Life I guess? Did you not like his inexperience, is that why you constantly cheated? You can deny that all you want but I know that Brian caught you in the act. Cheating is not only physical but also emotional so when you would rather go to someone’s house everyday to help him detail cars instead of hanging out with your husband it isn’t so good for your marriage. Was he that hard to get along with? I know Brian and he is very stubborn and a complete pain in the ass sometimes but he isn’t that bad. You weren’t married to him long enough for it to get so bad you ran into the arms of another man. And you were together for around two years before you were married so you knew how he was. Do you realize that you crushed him? You crushed his soul and it has taken every bit of 2 years to help him put it back together. You know he didn’t love you at the end. He stopped loving you after he found out about your affair but he didn’t give up. He is a dreamer and was hoping you could get your love back. He married for life. Obviously, you didn’t. It took 2 years after you left him to trust again. I have no secrets, I tell all and sometimes a little too much. There are no fake names in my phone, no passwords, no secret phone calls while we are on vacation with each other. For the first year, every time I would get a text he would ask me who it was from and what they said. Your mutal friend, the car detailer, friended me on Facebook and I literally thought his head was going to explode. He would text me and if I didn’t answer within 10 minutes he would call me to find out what I was doing. I am sure this sounds familiar because he did the same to you during your relationship. I know, he told me. I know how frustrating that probably was for you. But you were his wife. You made promises before God to him. Once you’re married, there are no secrets, there are no lies, no fake names in phones, no passwords. How can you yell at him for being paranoid and clingy when you were doing what he was paranoid about and constantly pushed him away? How can you convince your family that he needed psychiatric help when you were the one that made him like this? How can you expect to grow as a couple if you are constantly hiding and trying to find something better? You failed. Your job was to love him and help him become a better man, a better person, a healthier person. I really believe that you royally screwed up with this one and maybe you are even kicking yourself. What an amazing person he has become over the last 3 years. Yes, he is still Brian. He is stubborn and forgetful but also loving and giving. You know he bought me a house after he bought me an engagement ring. He didn’t buy it so he could be close to you as you told everyone you worked with. He bought it for me and my children. So we would have a wonderful, secure, safe place to live. He also bought a new car to replace his. Instead of driving it for himself, he gave it to me and he now drives my old car. He is a very giving man. He would give the shirt off of his back if you asked for it. He would have done the same for you. Guess what he wants in return? Nothing. Do you know why he wants nothing? Because he knows that I truly love him with all my heart. He trusts me because I have shown him over and over that he has no need not too. He knows my only goal in our relationship is to constantly show him how much I love him every single day. That stuff we post on Facebook, if you happen to look at it, is all true. That is all he wanted from you.  Don’t you want that for yourself? All he wanted was for you to love him. I don’t believe you ever did. The way he talks about your relationship, even in your everyday life, there was no love. Sometimes, I think you didn’t even like him. That is why I have this burning question.  Why did you marry a man you didn’t love? 
I hope you find happiness and learn to love one day, truly love and not that infatuation you think is love.  It is an amazing thing. You’ll never be lonely again. You need to stop and look at your life. You are 31 years old and until their recent move, lived with your parents for the 3rd time since divorcing your first husband. Sadly this has only been an 11 year span. In 11 years you’ve been married twice, divorced twice, have lived with 2 different men you weren’t married to, and now live with an old couple you have to take to bingo.  And at what point did you think it was a good idea to contact my husband with NASCAR pictures? What were you thinking that would accomplish?  I’m sorry that you can’t see the wonderful people that you have/had in your life. I hope you don’t drop your sister like you did your ex husbands. Just because she is friends with someone you don’t like, i.e. Me, doesn’t mean you need to cut her out of your life. You have a lot of growing up to do. At some point you are going to have to look in the mirror and realize the problem isn’t everyone else, it’s you. And until you stop the crazy roller coaster of a life you are on you will never find true love or happiness. That is what I pray for you each night (yes, I pray for you.) I pray that you will one day open your heart to true love and find happiness you have inside yourself.


The very happily married current Mrs. Cain

* I’m sorry you didnt like me to address you as such, but when you date and then marry a person who has never had a wife or a girlfriend, than even addressing you as my husband’s ex, former girlfriend, etc, points to you!


One thought on “A Letter to My Husband’s Ex-Wife: I Have A Question or 3

  1. Great story, Anne. You should publish it in a women’s magazine. I have read several of your other stories. They would make a great book.
    I can see how much your husband loves you and your committed love to him as well.
    Be sure to check out our Twentyfoursevenmarriage blog @ WordPress & also our YouTube channel with the same name.
    We really need to get together again.

    Liked by 1 person

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